garyrozanski

What is the most pointless, moronic invention ever made? The one invention that is most likely going to have me punch the user square in the jaw. You’ll probably guess something like a violin or Greek yoghurt – well you’d be bloody wrong. Umbrellas – that’s the correct answer.

Umbrellas are by far the most annoying, craptastic invention on this world. Why? Well, why not? Its raining outside. You can clearly see from your window, before you leave the warm & dry cocoon of your home, that there is a gale blowing outside – what do you reach for first? Well it certainly ain’t your cell phone to call your boss & make up some mysterious, deadly virus that means you have to stay at home & watch episodes of Lost all day. No, the ignoramus in you picks up the umbrella.

The umbrella, for pete’s sake, is a flimsy $5 contraption made from cheap metal & ugly material, something that you fully expect to save you from the ‘end of days’ storm outside? Oh. OK then, give it a shot…

Oh. You find the instant you put it up it’s blown inside out & ripped from your rainsoaked little grip and blown half way down the street. At this point, any sane person would decide to embrace the storm – minus said umbrella. Oh no. I literally saw a man running hell bent on catching is Duane Reade special. Hell bent, running as if his life depending on catching his prized possession. Running in the opposite direction of the place he needed to be. Dick.

This morning, the entrance of the PATH station was littered with abandoned, disfigured umbrellas, I imagine the scene is reminiscent of Battersea Dogs Home on December 28th.

Another reason that the umbrella sucks as an invention by mankind, no one that uses them has any umbrella etiquette. Not one. They stick them up in the least appropriate heights, gouging out eyes of the nearest passerby. Umbrella users also seem to congregate together, forming one united umbrella – causing havoc for non-umbrella users. A wall of shit canvas fused together by idiots & cheap metal.

I think an accord should be struck for all users of the umbrella, that would cut out users by approximately 34% instantaneously. If you use an umbrella, in any way shape or form, you know that you deserve to be fined – a firm slap upside the head will suffice. If, however, you decide against the use of the umbrella and instead opt for a nice rain mac or a hat then you deserve to receive a high-5 from other non-users. This in turn would give the non-users a sense of goodwill for the day, a proud feeling deep in their inner-being, that they know together they are ridding the world of the umbrella & that God forsaken song by Rhianna.

I should quickly mention that my perfect journey to work yesterday was indeed a one-off. Today was certainly back to normal.