diatribes

Limp Bizkit - Ready to Go!

There aren’t many things in life that will split communities as much as Limp Bizkit does on the metal community. The love/hate argument, regarding Freddy D and his nu-metal ragtag krew, has raged for well over a decade now – and doesn’t appear to be abating anytime soon. [+]

london tube fight

Rather interesting journey on the London Tube this morning. One of my Tube traveling bug-bears occurred & reminded me how much I detest traveling in to work each & every day.

I’ll set the scene….

8.20am Westbound Central Line. Carriage rammed to the rafters. Entering Liverpool Street Station. Crushed in to a little space by the non-opening door and so begins my story… [+]

As it’s the Boy Wonders, Justin Bieber’s, 18th Birthday today I thought we should honor him, in only the best way we can. By offering up to the God of War his truly magnificent art, drawn by the Bieber fan’s themselves. Please, please prepare yourself for at least 43 seconds of dissatisfaction!

Here are my favorite Justin Bieber pieces of art, drawn by some drunken 11 year old…

1. Justin Bieber on Acid

justin bieber on acid

2. Justin Bieber as a Pig

Justin Bieber as a Pig

3. Justin Bieber having a stroke

Justin Bieber having a stroke

4. Justin Bieber taking a poo

Justin Bieber taking a poo

5. Justin Bieber kills Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber kills Selena Gomez

6. Justin Bieber – like WTF!

Justin Bieber - WTF

7. Justin Bieber & his teeth

Justin Bieber & his teef

8. Justin Bieber as a vampire

Justin Bieber as a vampire

9. Go go gadget neck, Bieber

Go go gadget neck, Bieber

…and last but certainly not least…

10. Justin Bieber Bacon Face

Justin Bieber Bacon Face

I hope you’ve truly enjoyed this adventure. Next time, Justin Bieber fan tattoos! Can’t wait.

Oh. Boy.

Everyone loves Angry Birds, everyone. It’s been downloaded 13,977,254,494 times, which for the non-mathematicians amongst us, is approximately twice the amount of humans on this planet. So, it’s fair to say – everyone loves Angry Birds.

angry birds

For the minute percentage that have never heard of Angry Birds, it’s a game of flinging multicolored angry birds at green pigs, which have stolen the bird’s eggs. The green pigs are located in different built structures, which you have to knock down with the angry birds. It’s like a shit metaphor for our lives, flinging ourselves hopelessly at things, whilst the government take our eggs & sit in their pretty buildings. The green pigs always win & continue on their merry way with our eggs.

Anyways, that’s not the reason for my post today. No. This is dedicated to the dick that decided to play Angry Birds this morning on the 8.23am PATH train from Jerkoff Square to 33rd St. Not only did he play Angry Birds on the packed train, which isn’t so bad – we’ve all been there. However, he played it with the sound on full. Instant dick move.

Now anyone that has played Angry Birds, we all agree that the sound becomes annoying & irritating within….oh…3 seconds – so the game is always played in silence – happily flinging birds from one side of the field to the other, waiting anxiously to see if the maximum three star’s are awarded for your destruction of the green pigs. So why on earth this dick decided that today would be the day that he’d play the sound on full is beyond me.

To make matters worse, he had his earphones in, so he was gleefully raping our ears whilst he enjoyed his country music. Twat.

What is the most pointless, moronic invention ever made? The one invention that is most likely going to have me punch the user square in the jaw. You’ll probably guess something like a violin or Greek yoghurt – well you’d be bloody wrong. Umbrellas – that’s the correct answer.

umbrellas

Umbrellas are by far the most annoying, craptastic invention on this world. Why? Well, why not? Its raining outside. You can clearly see from your window, before you leave the warm & dry cocoon of your home, that there is a gale blowing outside – what do you reach for first? Well it certainly ain’t your cell phone to call your boss & make up some mysterious, deadly virus that means you have to stay at home & watch episodes of Lost all day. No, the ignoramus in you picks up the umbrella.

The umbrella, for pete’s sake, is a flimsy $5 contraption made from cheap metal & ugly material, something that you fully expect to save you from the ‘end of days’ storm outside? Oh. OK then, give it a shot…

Oh. You find the instant you put it up it’s blown inside out & ripped from your rainsoaked little grip and blown half way down the street. At this point, any sane person would decide to embrace the storm – minus said umbrella. Oh no. I literally saw a man running hell bent on catching is Duane Reade special. Hell bent, running as if his life depending on catching his prized possession. Running in the opposite direction of the place he needed to be. Dick.

This morning, the entrance of the PATH station was littered with abandoned, disfigured umbrellas, I imagine the scene is reminiscent of Battersea Dogs Home on December 28th.

Another reason that the umbrella sucks as an invention by mankind, no one that uses them has any umbrella etiquette. Not one. They stick them up in the least appropriate heights, gouging out eyes of the nearest passerby. Umbrella users also seem to congregate together, forming one united umbrella – causing havoc for non-umbrella users. A wall of shit canvas fused together by idiots & cheap metal.

I think an accord should be struck for all users of the umbrella, that would cut out users by approximately 34% instantaneously. If you use an umbrella, in any way shape or form, you know that you deserve to be fined – a firm slap upside the head will suffice. If, however, you decide against the use of the umbrella and instead opt for a nice rain mac or a hat then you deserve to receive a high-5 from other non-users. This in turn would give the non-users a sense of goodwill for the day, a proud feeling deep in their inner-being, that they know together they are ridding the world of the umbrella & that God forsaken song by Rhianna.

I should quickly mention that my perfect journey to work yesterday was indeed a one-off. Today was certainly back to normal.

The zombie apocalypse is here! It must be. There can be no other explanation. It’s finally here. The end of the world. The day I’ve waited for has finally arrived.

Oh. ok, so not quite end of the world stuff – but it felt pretty close! It couldn’t have been that far off.

Leaving for work this morning, just a little after 9am EST, the streets seemed a tad too quiet for a midweek adventure to the office. The air certainly had a different feel to it, I could feel it caress my skin in a different manner to the usual brisk, harsh manner of usual.

Entering the train station, still far too quite for a Wednesday morning, but my brain is now fixed on the morning rush hour traffic on the PATH train. I think my brain knows to shut itself off each morning from around 9am to 10am, it puts itself on ‘auto-pilot’ mode till I reach the office door.

End of the World

Stood by the platform, eagerly anticipating the arrival of the next train, I see the blinding lights of the next train approach. This is where the end of the world approaches…

As the train pulls in, it’s stares me straight in the face, there it is. Something that you always wish for but never happens, it was just there.

There on the train was an open seat. Yes, I’ll say that again as I know the surprise will have knocked you for six. There on the train was an open seat. This never happens on a train in to work. Never in London, never in New York. Never at all.

Seated, reading my Charlie Brooker book, it was a rather pleasant journey. One that I didn’t really want to end. I could sit all day in that perfect seat reading. Alas, the journey ending at 33rd Street.

It was only on my way out of the station that it got me thinking again, how rare an occurrence this actually was. Like a unicorn or rocking horse poop. Which then got me worrying, the fear rising, was I really awake? Was I going to wake from my auto-pilot mode to find the train pulling in, packed to the rafters – as per tradition?

Thankfully, no. I didn’t wake up. I really did experience this once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

01/11/2012 was the date. The date of greatness. It’ll never be forgotten, always will be appreciated.

01/11/2012.

Why can’t people walk in straight lines? It’s fairly basic physics, one foot in front of the other. However, some moronic walkers just can’t grasp this simple functionality.

Now I’m no perfect walker. I walk too fast – I want to get from A to B in the quickest time possible. I veer in & out of other people, dawdling along at their own pace, without a care in the world. It’s not the dawdlers that irk me, they can dawdle all they like.

My blood boils when I’m walking past folk and they suddenly start to veer in to my path, for no rhyme or reason. They’re not doing it on purpose, they just have no idea how to work in a straight line.

Whilst I’m on the subject of dickhead walkers, what’s the reason for simply stopping in mid-walk? No warning, nothing. Boom – stop. When I’m mid-flow, in my walking zone, nothing beats me up more than a walker that stops dead in their tracks. I guess this is the same for drivers who get road rage, I’m getting walkers rage. I’m going to start throwing elbows soon.

You’d think they were zombies with their walking patterns. At least zombies are awesome.

Rant over.

Supports

Collect & Display Toy Terror Bash Projects Jon-Paul Kaiser RunDMB David Stevenson Art Spanky Stokes

Unlimited Movies

Start Date: 17th March 2013 Number of Movies watched: 10

Dryathlon

No Alcohol. For January.
For Cancer Research.
Online: £515.00
Text: £50.00
Offline: £10.00
Total: £575.00
Target: £500.00
GiftAid: £53.75

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